Tomorrow is my last day at work. Those feel like incredibly surreal words to say, and that’s mostly why I haven’t posted about it yet. Everyone knows, everyone is excited for me, but none of it feels real yet. I’ve been here 5 years and 9 months. Longer than college, longer than high school. Almost exactly half of the time I’ve lived in the city. I don’t know how to write any of this without being unbearably sappy, so bear with me.
I don’t like change. This is a well known fact about me. I’m really too anxious for big changes, and I will torture myself over what ifs. This place has been my constant throughout all the changes in my life the past 6 years. I moved a few times. I got married. I became an adult, really. So what do I do when the most stable part of my life is gone? I’ve spent a lot of nights the past two weeks trying to sleep, but going through every worst case scenario in my head instead. What if I can’t do the job and they fire me? What if I don’t get along with anyone and eat lunch in a corner alone? What if I hate the job? What if I hate the commute? What if my clothes aren’t appropriate? What if the first paycheck doesn’t come for a month? What if the health insurance sucks? What if the working hours end up being long and horrible? What if the computer I get is old and slow? What if there’s no printer? What if Facebook is blocked? What if the cell service sucks? What if my work space is small or I hate the person I’m next to? What if there is no place to hang my pictures? What if I lose touch with my friends at this job and everything is different forever but not in a good way oh look the sun is coming up.
I have been lucky to work with incredible people. We can go out after work, they’ve come to see me perform. They were all there for every single step of me planning my wedding – they probably knew the decisions I made before Roddy did. It’s having co-workers that I genuinely like that has kept me here so long. I really don’t make new friends easily, so the prospect of having to start over is daunting. But mostly, the fact that I won’t be seeing these people every day is kind of heartbreaking.
It was back in July that I really decided it was time to move on. I had played with the idea a few times in the last year, but was never able to commit to it. Because of how scary change is, because of how much I’ll miss everyone, and because of my overwhelming conscience that often makes it impossible to consider what is best for myself. I kept trying to time everything right, so that I wasn’t leaving in the middle of the busy season, so that I wasn’t leaving while people were on vacation, so that I couldn’t possibly inconvenience a single person. There were a lot of excuses I made, and none of them served my needs at all. At the end of the day, the job I started when I was 22 could never be the job I’m at forever, and I wouldn’t want it to be. I can’t be an assistant my whole life. That’s just not what I’ve ever seen for myself. I still don’t know exactly what I’ll end up being, but leaving is the only way to figure it out.
I’m incredible grateful for the past 6 years. And this is hard, guys. Like, real hard. And if I could have everything stay the same forever but still achieve the things I want to achieve, then that would be great. But this is real life. Things change. It can’t somehow be early to mid-autumn for 7 years like in Pretty Little Liars. I have to keep reminding myself of all the good that has come from big changes in my life. Packing up and moving to New York was terrifying, but I did it, and have never regretted it. I know that change is necessary for growth. I know this new job will bring great things – or, it won’t, and I’ll move on again. I make these decisions, and I know now that I’m capable. That doesn’t mean I won’t be scared, or that I’m not going to be sad. Because I’m going to be both. But if Inside Out taught me anything, it’s that sadness is necessary for joy. So I’ll get through this transition, and the other side will be brighter and voiced by Amy Poehler.
So, onward, upward, and all of that. Here’s to the next chapter.