I just can’t find the right words. The loss of Pat, of Anne Lommel, of Chris Thomas. Chris kept us humble, Anne kept us fabulous, and Pat made sure we were there at all. I cannot imagine the theater department at Pace University without these people. And what I find totally heartbreaking? That there will be class after class after class of students who will never know them. That is one of the greatest injustices of them all.

And on the flipside, one of my greatest gifts is that I did know them. I feel lucky to have been taught, dressed, coached, excused, helped, yelled at, and counseled by them. I wouldn’t give back the extra hours I spent in the costume shop because I just could not sew, the lunches I spent with Kadey chatting with Chris, or the seemingly endless string of e-mails between myself and Pat where I was told over and over that, yes, I needed to take all of these AOKs, no I can’t get out of them, but yes, I am going to graduate on time if I just take public speaking over the summer.

I am grateful for the conversations, the sarcastic quips, and the endless hours of work that always produced something more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. I’ll never forget Anne bringing me my costume for the opening scene of Carousel: the bright yellow leotard and the ornate headpiece, telling me to trust her. I became a part of a human carousel, and at the end, I couldn’t have imagined it any other way.

Life keeps moving on. We can’t change that. The best we can do is to continue to live our lives, take what we’ve learned from them, and every now and then pay tribute. What I find indescribably amazing is the way we all come together to share stories, photos, memories, and lessons. That is the impact and legacy of a truly great teacher and person.

So maybe I can’t find the right words, but I think that’s because they don’t really exist. There are no words that communicate profound loss. But there are words that celebrate, words that remember, words that form thoughts, ideas, and creations that are inspired by those who left us too soon. Those are the words they would want us to use.

Will: As we get close to the river, we see that everybody is already there. And I mean everyone…It’s unbelievable.

Edward: The story of my life.

Will: And the strange thing is, there’s not a sad face to be found, everyone is just so glad to see you. And send you off right. You become what you always were…A very big fish. And that’s how it happens.

Edward: Exactly.

-Big Fish

*K

All I ever needed to know, I learned from a bear.

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.”

“You can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh,” he whispered.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw, “I just wanted to be sure of you.”

“I wonder what Piglet is doing,” thought Pooh.
“I wish I were there to be doing it, too.”

“Poetry and Hums aren’t things which you get, they’re things which get you. And all you can do is go where they can find you.”

“If the person you are talking to doesn’t appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.”

“Promise me you’ll never forget me because if I thought you would I’d never leave.”

“Some people care too much, I think it’s called love.”

“The hardest part is what to leave behind, … It’s time to let go!”

“They’re funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you’re having them.”

“Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in that enchanted place on the top of the forest, a little boy and his Bear will always be playing.”

– A.A. Milne

*K

• HOLIDAYS!
• Thanksgiving in Downingtown, PA with Anthony, Alex, and Roddy.
• Spent TWO WHOLE WEEKS home in Florida for Christmas.
• Spent New Year’s Eve at Epcot. It was an idea. And it happened. While it was fun, it will definitely never happen again. It’s exactly what you’re imagining.
• LOVE!
• February 10th: Roddy and I celebrated our one year anniversary. Deserves its own entry, really, but now I’ll just say this: I am happy, grateful, lucky, learning, hardworking, and always looking forward.
• THEATRE!
• Spent these past four months rehearsing and performing Twelfth Night: Wall Street with Co-Op Theatre East. It just ended last week and I’m still processing the whole experience, but it was an interesting experience with a great cast, a great team, in a quirky, if not slightly decrepit, theater. Got to work with some old friends and met some new, really amazing people… We’ll be revisiting the show in a couple of months for the Planet Connections Festivity.

So that’s it, at least for now. That catches this thing up on the activities of the new year. So next, there’s everything else.

*K

I’ve been wary of writing this and putting it out into the universe because I don’t know what it all means. I’ve spent almost a year now (can that be true?) struggling with what happened at the end of my last relationship. Struggling with the consequences, with not knowing how to repair what is left. Forcing a solution that maybe will never work. Struggling with myself. With him. With the people around me: the people who have understood, and the people I have lost.

Honestly, I’d like to be able to say I broke this alone. But we broke it. I’ve taken responsibility for everything. I’ve apologized. I’ve tortured myself. But here I am still, and I cannot let go.

I lost him long before everything happened. I wish I knew exactly when. I wish I could pinpoint the minute he stopped loving me, so that next time I can spot it. Or avoid it. So I could know what I did wrong. What was the instant that we stopped being madly in love and started humoring each other for the sake of convenience? Did we ever even want the same things?

And yeah, I’m angry about it. I’m angry that we didn’t talk to each other. I’m angry to have been the one to crack the surface. I’m angry to be carrying the entire burden of a failed relationship on my back. I’m angry that I try to keep a friendship alive, one that I know is still very full of love, only to be constantly told that I broke everything. The reality is he had been lost to me for a long time. I finished breaking something that was already inherently broken. I didn’t do it on purpose, I didn’t look for a way out. It kills me that I hurt him. It kills me that with one action I’ve seemingly tainted 3 ½ years that remain very important to me. I’m angry that I apparently wasn’t allowed to be hurt as well. But I was. I had been. The minute he stopped holding my hand, the minute I realized we were too deep to walk away but too scared to talk to each other.

I resolve now to let go. For the new year, if not before. I don’t have a choice. I can’t wait for him to forgive me before I forgive myself. For all I know, it may never happen. And as much as that kills me, I’ll be waiting forever. I can’t wait anymore.

“Waiting for him to forgive you is a damn waste of time, Groceries. Forgive yourself.”

*K

My aunt, uncle, and cousin from PA came into the city for the day the weekend after Irene. We went to the Harry Potter exhibit, saw Greg’s third-to-last performance in Billy Elliot, chatted with him on stage (where I also shook hands with David Yazbek!), and they got to meet Roddy. He has officially has passed their test with approval.

The following weekend we, along with Anthony and Alex, drove back to Bar Harbor for the Fish House Grill 20th Anniversary Party and general Maine shenanigans. (Maineanigans?) It was fantastic as always and I was crushed to leave. As always.

Not a lot has gone on since then. Life has a pretty usual routine as of late. I go to work, come home, watch Grey’s Anatomy and maybe clean a little, wait for Roddy to come home, we eat dinner. Wednesdays he hosts a show at Stand Up NY and I go and take pictures and video. Every now and then I have a life of my own. Sometimes. He’s started taking Sundays off and it’s been nice to have him for an actual full day, not just for 4-6 hours in the evening. My Saturdays are generally left for me to find something to do with myself, which is rarely ever successful. I need a hobby.

Next weekend we’re off to grandiose Cape Coral, FL for Malaya’s wedding. (Wedding. WEDDING?!) This trip will be important for a number of reasons.

First, Malaya is old enough to get married? What?! Am I really old enough to be going to 3 weddings a year? Out of the group of us, Erin and I are the only 2 who aren’t married or engaged. What is UP WITH THAT? Someone put me back at Ashley’s birthday camping trip 11 years ago, because I’m suddenly not at all ready for us to be in this phase of our lives.

Yeah, I used to look like that. And wear oversized Yankees shirts.

Second, Roddy will meet my mom and grandma. Finally. He’s met everyone else in my family, basically.

Third, Roddy will meet my FRIENDS. Weirdly enough I’m most anxious about that. This is a group of pretty much my closest friends, besides Anthony, who I’ve had since I was 11. (OMG I’VE KNOWN THESE PEOPLE FOR 13 YEARS). I feel it appropriate that they are the final group of people in my life he will meet.

Also, we’re going to take Roddy to his first American mall. Edison Mall will set the standard. That’s not pathetic at all.

That’s about it. It’s nearly fall in the city. I’m hoping it sticks around for more than a week. I’m not ready for winter.

Exactly one year ago, I posted about seeing Billie Joe Armstrong in American Idiot for the first time. That does not feel like a year ago.

*K

3:45 p.m. You may say… why are you still updating when the storm has passed? I say…. as long as I’m stuck here, I’m updating. We’re about to take a walk around the neighborhood to see if there’s anything interesting to report.

11:22 a.m. Winds will still be fairly strong until tonight, 25 – 35 mph. May have to go walk around in it. In all seriousness, there was some pretty heavy flooding in the city, but we’re thankful it wasn’t as bad as predicted.

11:19 a.m. ………….We missed it.

8:50 a.m. An image before I go back to sleep. The chaos outside my window. This tree only has half of its leaves.

8:40 a.m. I’m not technically awake. I mean, I am, but only long enough to say we are alive. It is rainy and vaguely windy. Thinking of taking a nice stroll. May sleep more first.

10:40 p.m. Took the A/C out of the window, because it could not have possibly been more improperly installed.

9:00 p.m. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7kO_IVJs6k

8:17 p.m. We’re still alive. Mostly because NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.

2:42 p.m. Pizza, beer, soda, Ewan McGregor, and the ritual sacrificing of a virgin. All things that will keep us safe.

1:38 p.m. Mission CVS accomplished.

1:10 p.m. RODDY OPENED AN UMBRELLA INSIDE. WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!

1:01 p.m. We’ve going back to CVS. If you don’t hear from me in 20 minutes… wait longer.

12:49 p.m. I need to be evacuated. I’m in danger of drowning in GEORGE CLOONEY’S EYES.

12:35 p.m. If Irene really wants to be a disaster, she’s gotta be worse than Don Cheadle’s english accent. ZING!!!

12:05 p.m. The latest forecast: it will rain fire and the wind will be made of knives. Make sure you have wine.

12:04 p.m. Ocean’s 11 is on our TV. I like to think this represents the flooding that will impact our poor, defenseless city. Get it? It’ll be like 11 oceans. Shut up.

11:30 a.m. We are awake. It is raining. Good god. Hold your loved ones.

Because you haven't heard that joke a billion times yet, right?

OKAY. SO. In case you haven’t heard, there’s a goddamn hurricane headed for NYC. Wrap your heads around that, kids. This is not what I moved from FL for!

So, to say the (very very) least, people are freaking the fuck out. Water, batteries, and flashlights are nowhere to be found. In true New York style, the line for the Trader Joe’s wine store was around the block. Because that is how we prepare here. (Not us. No money for wine). BROADWAY is cancelled this weekend. The MTA is shutting down transit. Yeah, that isn’t going to cause mass panic or confusion at all. Especially for the people in “Zone A” who need to evacuate by 5pm tomorrow.

The dead flowers are key.

We’re prepared to spend the weekend in our lovely apartment. Not only prepared, but weirdly excited. Roddy generally works all weekend every weekend, so having him to myself for the next two days is fantastic. Not only is he not working, but he can’t leave. If the headline on Monday is ‘Scottsman Kills Time By Killing Girlfriend’, well, you’ll know why.

As water is sold out everywhere, this is our ghetto water supply. I’ve taken whatever empty bottles were in the house and filled them with water. Which is…. well, smart, because I didn’t spend $10 on SOMETHING I CAN GET FOR FREE.

Anyway, who can say what is actually going to happen. It could be a slightly worse than usual thunderstorm. It could cause some actual damage. Or, better yet, nothing could happen and this could end up being the biggest overreaction ever in the history of everything. (Even bigger than the panic caused by our barely felt earthquake). Whatever happens, I plan to live blog the shit out of it. Because that’s what I do. As long as the power stays on, you will have up to the minute updates, such as “RAN OUT OF GOLDFISH. Sent Roddy to CVS.” followed by “Roddy missing.” Or, “Going to sleep now until Monday”. OR “Broke into Gary’s alcohol supply. Going to sleep until Monday”. And even if the power goes out, I will tirelessly jot down what is happening by candlelight. You can count on me.

Also, Jim Cantore is in the city, which means we’re all going to die.

*K

I’m better with words when I have time to plan and when I don’t need to actually speak them.

So what have I learned?

I’ve learned a lot about not being afraid. Not being afraid to trust myself. To jump in. Not being afraid to trust someone else, to follow them. (Cue Sara Bareilles’ The Light, please). There was a lot of blind trust these past 6 months. Needing to trust that everything would be okay. I learned that I can’t control everything all the time. I’ve learned that relationships are messy and hard and not perfect, but more importantly I’ve learned that I love that.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to communicate what I want and need. And not only that, but I’m learning how to. He isn’t the kind of person who will let me hide, and I appreciate that more than I can put into words.

I’ve learned to be happy. Very simply. That’s not to say that I wasn’t happy before. But now life seems more vibrant, I guess. Even when we’re making dinner and watching Ally McBeal on a Friday night, it all burns a little brighter. And without much effort. I don’t need to try to impress him or work very hard to get his attention. He’s constantly offering affection and love without me needing to ask for it, and I can only hope to do the same.

We’re not without our problems. I make mistakes, and he does really stupid stuff that makes me want to strangle him. He’s taught me to own up to my shit and recognize when I’m being nuts. Remarkably, we talk about issues immediately, until we’ve resolved them to the best of our capabilities. That’s a really, really wonderful thing. I’ve learned to be patient, accepting, and supportive, more than I’ve ever been in the past.

I’ve learned that I am pretty, smart, funny, and worthwhile. And moreover, I learned that he enhances all of my best qualities. I do not need him to be these things, but being with him makes me better. I know now that I am strong on my own and stronger with him next to me. That’s a big statement for me to make.

I’m not sure how to end this. There’s more to come, more to learn, more to experience, more to love. I’m lucky.

*K

Everyone who knows me knows I love my birthday. (Roddy is still learning, god help him). I still haven’t figured out exactly what I want to do. I know Roddy has plans that will probably be executed on the actual day, but as my birthday is on a Friday, I want to take the weekend to celebrate with everyone else. I have no idea where or when yet, but I’ll figure it out. I’m more comfortable planning my own festivities. The one year I relinquished that duty turned out to be a disaster. And who knows better what I want to do than myself, anyway?

Anyway, it’s customary for me to present a list of shit I want, but I actually feel like I’m getting too old for that. If you know me, you know what I like generally. If you’re at a loss, I like books (and am still in need of anything on my Nick Hornby List), and music (iTunes gift cards always thrill me), buying clothes, Broadway shows, the Vendy Awards, and… y’know… money. Mostly, I prefer gifts full of thought and meaning and all that jazz. Or just your presence for any celebration that takes place! (Gifts are still welcomed in that case).

As a side note, for anyone wondering how my new co-habitation is going, it’s been quite lovely. Really, he was there so often, that the only thing that’s changed is there’s a giant suitcase in the room now. (We’re moving to Gary’s room once he vacates, so stuff is staying unpacked for now). An Ikea trip is in order for this weekend because we’ll finally have enough space for an actual dresser (hurrah!) and because I like to eat at Ikea.

Anyway, this wasn’t very substantial or meaningful, but that’s all I got for now. Things are mellow at the moment. That is until 15 days from now. Because, in case you haven’t heard, that’s my birthday.

*K